My father abandoned me

When I was five years old my parents got divorced. As in most cases, I continued to live with my mom and was able to see and spend time with my dad on some weekends. My parents had serious issues while they were married and even after they got divorced. Their issues revolved around infidelity, work stress and finances. They had more disagreements and arguments compared to good quality times spent. Their relationship was unhealthy and it most definitely affected the children.

I was young but I could tell they were unhappy and I was there to witness some of their physical fights. When they were getting a divorce none of them talked to me directly regarding this matter. I was forced to understand things as they were happening. Like suddenly my dad moved out and I could only see him sometimes for an outing or a couple of days and every time we had to say goodbye I’d cry, silently. 

One time, I really didn’t want to say goodbye so I cried and I refused to go back home. My dad actually had to carry me, drop me in front of the door of my house, rang the doorbell and left me there. My mother opened the door and found me left on the floor crying and she told him off. This sparked a very ugly physical fight. I was there, watching them push, pull, slap, hit, and knee strike each other. I remember my mom lost her expensive Chanel earrings and I didn’t see my dad’s condition when he left but my step mom told me he was bleeding here and there. That was just one of the traumatising events that happened to me throughout my childhood.

Despite their issues, my dad was still a great and supportive father to me. Even separated, he called me on a daily basis asking how my day went. He would still surprise me with gifts when I got good results on my exams and celebrate my birthdays with gifts and parties. Things that my mom would never do with me even though I was living under the same roof as her. He was my go-to guy if ever I wanted to talk about my interests, always lending his ear to me.

Sadly this relationship only lasted until I was starting high school. Suddenly he stopped calling me and stopped making time to see me. I suppose this has something to do with his new wife. I don’t think she likes to share him with his other kids that much. She already has 5 kids from her previous marriage and added a new boy with him. So I have a younger brother that I don’t have a relationship with. When I was younger, there were times I would visit their house, their family and see that the kids could hug him and call him “papa” and I remember feeling so jealous that I wasn’t as lucky as them that they could see him everyday and get attention from him and I couldn’t. 

I never understood why he would give up on me and my other siblings that are his children too. This really affected me growing up into being an adult. I had serious abandonment issues because of him. It was pretty hard to trust people and I was always testing the people I dated to see if they would ever leave me like my dad did. After years and years of being treated this way be it that I was neglected and abandoned by my dad and also the rejection I’ve received from everyone in my family because of my sexual orientation, I became truly depressed.

I was always a sad girl even though I really tried to love life and laugh hard with friends. There were episodes where I would break down and become physical by throwing things across the room, breaking most of my mobile phones and other things. Not understanding why I couldn’t control my anger sometimes. My therapist made me understand that all these years I tried to hide all these feelings in the dark in a closet. This closet grew bigger and bigger until it exploded. They key was to shine light on these feelings in the dark so that it wouldn’t grow bigger. It helped me a lot. To uncover these thoughts and feelings that I tried to bury. 

I started to see my father as individual who went through a lot of hardships and bad luck and decided to leave his past which meant abandoning his children. I confronted him about how I felt but his reason was that he was ashamed that he wasn’t doing well financially which is why he kept a distance. Well I know now, his shame shouldn’t be an excuse for my abandonment issues. He is my father and he should’ve taken responsibility and acted like one.

A year ago, he started to contact me and unfortunately, it was to ask for financial support. I wasn’t even really earning that much and I had commitments to investments, monthly. Nonetheless I tried to help him as much as I could. The problem is, he disappears after receiving the money from me. Then he reappears again, when he’s desperate.  I suppose that maybe, he’s afraid to contact me other times because he’s afraid I’d bring up about the money and ask him when he’ll pay me back. Why is it so hard for my parents to understand that what matters most to me is quality time, communication and a real relationship. Not money.

Now, all of that is in the past, as I tried to tell him as well. I forgive him but I wish he would change and make it up to me now in the present, for a better future. Sadly, he still refuses to try. So no, he doesn’t contact me. It’s alright. Honestly, nothing new. I’ve been going through this since I was a kid. No matter what I do, he’s still not going to be in my life. So I decided to write about my relationship with him and maybe tell my truth to the world. This is my story. I’ve been depressed, I’m still depressed in a way but I still pull through and focus on living a better life every day.