In honour of Pride Month i’d like to take this opportunity to talk about my sexual orientation, my lifestyle choices and why I chose to publicly put myself, my lifestyle and my love life out there on social media. Growing up and trying to figure out what I like and how I would like to live my life wasn’t easy. Especially in a judgemental and closed minded society, I felt the need to always hide my true self and force myself to follow what others deem to be acceptable and “normal”. It was really hard because I didn’t have the freedom to do as I please and at the same time be open about it. People around me were going through their own discovery while I was also trying to discover myself but at the same time feeling guilty for feeling the way I did.
Sometimes I would meet a cute girl who happens to be a friend of a friend and I’d try to get to know her and she obviously shows the same interest but there would be friends around us that would stop us, voice out their opinions saying they would never allow that cute girl to get close to me, and would do anything to prove that we’re just not right for each other. Our dating relationship ended way before we could even begin! Let me let you in on a little secret, even though everyone was against it, I was still able to see her a number of times and we even kissed during those times!! There was definitely a connection but we just never got the chance to explore it because our group of friends were just really against it!
That’s just one of the examples. There was also this other time I hung out with my cousin who’s a guy. We went out with a few of his friends, boys and girls, at a mall. He then talked to me privately, asking me to hide my dog chain. (I wore a dog chain on my wallet that was hooked on to my jeans, pretty punk rock, i know) So he asked me to hide it because it may make me look like im different and he probably didn’t want his friends to feel uncomfortable or maybe he thought he was doing me a favour by saving me the embarrassment of how “weird” i looked. I mean, it was just a chain!
I wasn’t really accepted by my friends, peers and the society so I would look up to girls who just seem to not give a shit about what others think and they were just so cool. Until, they too decided that that lifestyle choice is “childish” and suddenly it’s time to “grow up”. Apparently being gay, bi or queer is a sign of being “childish”. All of these things were traumatising me. I deserved a role model. Someone who was true to themselves but is not ashamed and not in hiding. Someone who is kind but would not let others control them.
Someone like me, I decided. I have to be that person. After going through so much in my life I just felt that I wish I could have known someone like that. I’ve been working on myself, my healing, my own discovery and I decided I will be that person, that role model, that inspiration that I myself was looking for during my teenage years. So that is the reason why I’m so public. I refuse to live my life in hiding and in the shadows. Why should I care if it makes others uncomfortable? If it really makes them feel that way then they can just leave and stop following me on my social media. As simple as that. I knew that in choosing this I would have to face so much hate and mean comments and messages but it’s all worth it in the end.
I know that there are people who do appreciate me and what i’m doing. I get DM’s from random people saying that I inspire them, they thank me and there are even people who mention that I should know that there are many silent supporters that are afraid to show their support in public because of the fear of bullying and harassment from others. I always say life is short and that’s why I try my best to live my life the way that it makes my heart happy, my mind at peace and my body in health. Before i leave this world I would like to leave something good behind, something that could help inspire people and help them through their bad times. I am now that proud person I needed and I will stay being that person for others as well.
Artwork done by Jennifer Prince check her out on instagram link: https://instagram.com/jeniferrprince?utm_medium=copy_link