Confessions of a cheater

I have never been loyal to my partners in my life. Most of my past relationships were pretty toxic. As usual, it starts out great and romantic. Then, their true colours start to show and we realise how incompatible we are with each other. Most people think once they find someone good for them they don’t need to make any more effort in the relationship. This seems to be the case every time. Also, sometimes people get into things without the intention of moving forward or taking the next step. Commitment seems to be the issue.

I used to see myself as a good lover, partner, and girlfriend. But honestly, it’s me who cheats every time. I was young, can’t deny that. I wanted to experience all types of connections and interactions without the obstacle of being committed to someone. I realise now that I myself was not ready for relationships. It was what I really wanted though, to be in one. Probably because I was a true believer in love but the only problem is I don’t see any proof of love in my Life. There wasn’t any good examples around me, growing up. My parents were really bad with their relationships. 

So when I’m in a relationship and I realise the person I’m with is not who they portray to be. I would feel betrayed and disappointed which causes me to look to others and desire for another connection. I guess when they start to treat me differently or start to show interest in other people it’s like they’ve broken their promise and and so I’ll break their trust by cheating. I know the right thing to do was to end the relationship but at the time I wasn’t strong enough. I wanted to keep trying and communicate but it failed because they were not interested in talking about it or refused to do what it takes to make it work.

There are two people in a relationship and it takes 2 to make it work. I tend to become depressed when my partner starts to show that she doesn’t appreciate me or stops paying attention to me. Most times, I cheat because I just want to forget. I just want to get lost and not feel my pain. My therapist says me cheating is the same as me breaking something when I’m upset. I never really saw it as me reacting to a situation. Always thought it’s just who I am and that I’m just broken that way. 

Since then I’ve been trying to understand myself better. I look inwards and sometimes have conversations with myself. What do I truly want? After all, everyone deserves love and affection. Loyalty is hard to come by but it is such an important value. Ending a relationship because it has stopped working takes a lot of courage and strength. When in a relationship, how do we stay strong and fight against any temptations that come to us in life?

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