The new year has come and unlike most people, I don’t think I have a resolution. I can’t seem to think of what I want out of this year. If anything, I just want to keep on keeping on. I see myself still carrying out the projects from the previous year. I want to keep creating, keep cleaning, keep sorting, keep learning, keep improving, keep challenging my comfort zone, keep planning and just keep living, basically. I want to stay committed, while also trying to live as if we know when it’s all going to end. Even though, I have so much trauma and so many issues, I don’t want them to take full control of me. Slowly but surely, if I give myself time and not be too hard on myself, I could probably feel better.
I actually did something special for my new year’s celebration as well as my birthday. For new year’s I stayed in! Instead of going out. I was online, gaming with my friends and had a lovely time. I found that I need to pick myself. I’ve got to be honest about it, I’m just done making effort for years now. Effort to start conversations, effort to stay strong while realising no one wants to talk to me or ask how I’m doing, and effort to be ok with never being part of the group. After years, I’ve decided, I’ll never be part of the group and I’m fine with it. I’ll stop trying. It’s such waste of energy and I don’t have much of it.
So for my birthday, I decided to cook one of my favourite Malaysian dishes, Soto for the wife and the family. My mother in law, sister in law and niece came over to the apartment and we had a cute and cozy celebration. I love cooking for people and I have mentioned that I enjoy entertaining others at my place and would like to do more of it. Therefore, of course I took my birthday as an opportunity to do so. My last birthday however, I tried to invite a few of the people I know and all of them actually cancelled on me, last minute. Honestly, that actually disappointed me and proved to me that these people aren’t my friends. And after years of living here in Paris, I have not made any decent friends at all.
My feeling of loneliness is valid. I’ve lost so much in my life. I left my country, left my family, left my friends and moved to a country that I had never even planned to move to. With a great language barrier and let’s face it, the French are difficult to make friends with. They seem to be comfortable with their current group of friends and somehow it’s enough. They just do not need even one more. As for the Malaysians here, most of them are fake. None of these people genuinely care about me or want to truly be my friend. Despite that I still haven’t fully given up hope on finding friends and finding my coven. Although, I have come to a conclusion of how difficult it is and have accepted the fact.
On a lighter note, let’s look at all the dishes I cooked in the month of January.
Wow, looking at these made me realise just how much good food I could be cooking in just a month. I truly am passionate about food be it eating them or cooking them. Finally, something I have not yet told you guys is that I have been attending an online Artjam almost every Monday. I actually have a great time just making art for an hour while also talking to these people. I am thankful for this. Anyways, I hope you all had a wonderful January and wish you a good February.
Monyet Haus 